Naraku's Very Strange Day
by chatnoir1
Summary: Naraku is having a very strange day. His minions are missing, along with his baboon pelt, and he apparently slept with Kikyo.
1. Morning

Disclaimer: I don't own Naraku, unfortunately. I just get to write about him for fun.

Naraku rolled over onto his right side and yawned. He opened his eyes. He blinked. Kikyo was in his bed. He lifted the blanket. Make that naked and in his bed. He blinked once more, then nudged her, none too gently, in the shoulder. Kikyo moaned.

"Not again, itooshi. Let me sleep."

"Nani?"

"Let. Me. Sleep." Kikyo turned away from him. Naraku was, to say the least, puzzled. Somewhere inside of him Onigumo was grinning. He decided to get up and go look for Kagura. He put on a pair of loose cotton pants, lifted the blanket for another quick peek at the naked, sleeping Kikyo, then left.

Naraku searched the castle for any sign of Kagura, Kanna or Kohaku. Nothing, He didn't remember having sent them on any missions. But then, he didn't remember having shared his bed with Kikyo, either. Most strange. He returned to his chambers, planning to put on his cherished white baboon pelt and go out looking for his minions. It was missing. Naraku made a sound that was very close to a whimper. What in the name of Enma-Daiou was happening?

"Kikyo?" Naraku poked her in the side, and Kikyo growled something unintelligible at him. "I need to talk to you. Wake up." Kikyo opened one eye and gave him a look that would have unnerved Sesshomaru.

"Your needs. It's always about your needs. What about my needs? Bakayarou." A bow and arrow appeared in Kikyo's hands. Naraku took an involuntary step back. Ever since her resurrection, Kikyo had seemed to be in a perpetual state of PMS. (A.N. Naraku, ehm, borrowed Kagome's biology textbook, finding it both interesting and useful)

"Where are Kagura, Kanna and Kohaku?"

"I sent them away." Kikyo put the bow and arrow back on the floor by the bed.

"I see. And my baboon pelt?"

"I burned it. Really, Naraku-chan, I can't believe you actually wore that disgusting thing."

"You. Burned. My. Baboon. Pelt?" Kikyo nodded. Naraku's eyes glowed red and the air grew thick and foul. Kikyo merely yawned.

"I'm dead, remember, your miasma won't work on me. Smoke away." She reached over the edge of the fouton and grabbed her clothes. Several Shimidamachuu came flying in through the window. "Ah, breakfast." Kikyo stood and got dressed.

"Did we have sex last night?"

"I certainly wouldn't call it making love. I might as well have been a blow-up doll for all the consideration MY needs were given."

"A what?"

"It's a doll used for sex. Inuyasha was telling Miroku about it. Miroku made him promise to bring one back the next time he visited Kagome's time."

"Oh. Were we drunk?" Naraku asked hopefully.

"No." She narrowed her eyes at him. "Are you saying you don't have any memory of last night at all? You called me itooshi. You said ai shiteru. You promised forever." Kikyo reached for her bow and arrow again. "Kagura warned me this would happen."

"What would Kagura know about my sex life? We are not involved that way."

"So, you are saying you LIED to me?" Kikyo fit the arrow to her bow and pulled her arm back.

"LOOK!! It's a naked Inuyasha!!" Kikyo momentarily distracted, Naraku saw his opportunity and ran. As he exited the castle, Kagura, Kanna and Kohaku came running towards him. They were throwing brightly coloured bits of paper in the air and laughing. Even Kanna. They grabbed him and began to hug him. Naraku tried to pull them off.

"Naraku-sama!! We are so happy for you. Now we can be a real family." Kanna smiled at him, frightening Naraku to the very core of his being. "Can I call you Tousan?". Naraku screamed in terror and soon disappeared from sight. Kikyo walked out of the castle.

"I told you it would work." She handed both Kanna and Kagura the jars containing their hearts. Kohaku was a different case. The Shikon shard in his back kept him alive and then there was the whole issue of his lost memory. Kikyo shrugged. She would keep Kohaku with her for the time being. She'd always wanted a little brother anyway. Pocketing the Shikon shards Naraku had collected, she took Kohaku by the hand and they set off. Naraku's Saimyousho followed them.

_Owari_


	2. Afternoon

Disclaimer: I don't own Naraku, unfortunately, except for the action? figure. I just get to write about him for fun.

Naraku wasn't sure how long he had been running when he finally collapsed by the river. Shimatta, he was out of shape. Well, that is what happens when you always send your minions or kugutsu out to do your dirty work for you. He dunked his torso into the cold water, hoping the shock would restore some kind of clarity to his thinking. He needed to figure out what was going on. He was dunking his torso for the third time when a shadow appeared in the water.

"Naraku."

Naraku raised up again and sighed. Sesshomaru. His day just kept getting better and better. He heard the crack as Sesshomaru flexed his right hand and turned to look at him. "Sesshomaru. I know we have some unfinished business, but could it possibly be postponed until another time? I am having a very strange day."

"Explain how that is my concern." Sesshomaru couldn't help but notice how Naraku's eyes were constantly shifting from red to brown and that he had developed a tic in the left one.

"It isn't, but I would not be able to give you the fight you deserve at present." Sesshomaru flexed his hand again. "I woke up this morning to find a naked Kikyo in my bed." Sesshomaru's eyes widened momentarily and he raised one elegant eyebrow. "My minions have gone insane and Kikyo burned my baboon pelt."

"The annoying wench finally did something useful. Really, Naraku, I have never understood your attachment to that ugly thing."

"You are one to talk. You always have that fluffy boa or tail or whatever the hell it is draped about your right shoulder." Naraku looked Sesshomaru up and down. "And is that eye shadow?"

Sesshomaru sniffed haughtilly. "I'm not saying that it is or isn't, but if it is, it at least complements my looks. That is more than I can say for that hideous shade I saw you wearing."

"I do not wear eye shadow."

"Of course. And I am known for my random acts of kindness."

"You know, rumor has it that you are female or possibly gay."

"I am neither. Just ask Kagura."

"You had sex with Kagura?"

"Many times. She hoped to enlist my aid in destroying you. She's a screamer, in case you are curious."

"I'm not. Sango is more my type of woman."

"The youkai exterminator?"

"Hai. I remember the first time I saw her, dressed for battle. I was grateful for my baggy trousers. Later I made it a point to be the one to dress her battle wounds. She's a bit skimpy in the chest, but that suits her warrior lifestyle."

Sesshomaru yawned. "As much as I find this conversation fascinating, you still have not given me a reason as to why I should not kill you here and now."

"I thought I had. So that we can have a more interesting battle at a later time."

"I detest waiting."

"Well, you will have to. Gomen."

"I also detest being told what to do or controlled in any fashion."

Naraku sighed. He was just about to try the naked Inuyasha gambit again when a rock struck him in the head. It was followed by another. And another. Rin, the young human girl who travelled with Sesshomaru, was throwing rocks at him. For a small girl, he noted, she threw with considerable force and accuracy.

"Kuso! Sesshomaru, put a leash on your pet." Sesshomaru made no move to interfere. He found it all quite amusing, though you would never know it by looking at him.

"Kikyo may be immune to my miasma, Sesshomaru, but neither you nor the girl are, so I would call the gaki off."

"Rin"

"Sesshomaru-sama?"

"Go help Jaken catch fish."

"Hai."

Naraku sat there rubbing his head, trying to figure out how, in less than twenty four hours, he had gone from someone loathed and feared, to someone a small child threw rocks at. Perhaps someone had put a curse on him, like that old hag Kaede. That had to be it. He would confront her and force her to lift the curse. Then he would have his revenge on all of them

. 

Sesshomaru watched as Naraku carried on some kind of silent debate with himself, complete with body language. Something was definitely wrong with the hanyou. Becoming bored with it all, he left to go find Rin and Jaken.

Naraku was surprised, and more than a bit relieved, to find himself alone again. He decided he could use the physical excercise, so instead of transporting in his usual way, he began the long walk to Kaede's village.

_Owari_


	3. Evening

Disclaimer: I don't own Naraku, but I do own Inuyasha on import DVD. I do this purely for fun.

Naraku hated to walk. Absolutely hated it. Being barefoot didn't help. He was shirtless, shoeless, minionless, peltless and he had a quarter sized knot on his forehead from one of Rin's rocks. He was beginning to think it couldn't get any worse when he slipped and landed face first in cow dung. The tic Sesshomaru had noticed in Naraku's left eye went into overdrive.

"KUSO!! He wiped the cow dung off his face as best as he was able. He would have to find someplace to wash up. He located a stream nearby, stripped and waded into the water. The cool water revived him somewhat and felt good on his sunburned shoulders. He took a deep calming breath. He could still turn this around. He wasn't that far now from Kaede's village. He would get what he needed from the hag, kill her, then take care of the rest of them. He smiled. His revived sense of self-confidence lasted until he discovered that someone had taken his pants.

The few travellers on the road kept a safe distance from the ranting, naked man. Times being what they were, it was best not to get involved. Naraku spotted a man on horseback who looked like he would do. He stopped the horse, snapped the man's neck before he could lift an arm to defend himself, quickly stripped him, dressed (he turned out, to Naraku's annoyance, to have tiny feet), mounted and rode for Kaede's village.

Naraku asked directions from one of the village men to Kaede's cottage. Kaede of course, was expecting him. Kagome, Inuyasha and the rest were off gathering Shikon shards. She would have to deal with Naraku on her own. But that had been the plan anyway.

"Konbanwa, Naraku."

"Don't Konbanwa me, old hag. You put a curse on me and I want it removed."

"Curse you? If I had such power, why would I bother? I'd rather stand by and watch while Inuyasha cuts you in two with the Tetsusaiga."

"I woke up in bed with your dead sister Kikyo this morning. My minions have all left me; even the Saimyoushou are missing. Sesshomaru's pet human threw rocks at me. The only bit of joy I've had today came from killing a peasant for his clothes and horse."

"You aren't wearing your baboon pelt." 

Naraku's left eye, which had quieted down after he killed the peasant, began to twitch again. "Kikyo burned it."

"So ka? It was an ugly thing, anyway." Kaede stared at him over the fire. "I never noticed before, but you are a very handsome man."

"Nani?"

"You know, I had to take over the role as Miko when Kikyo died. I never got to experience a normal woman's life, a normal woman's pleasures." Kaede moved over next to Naraku. "Despite your outward appearance, you are older than me. I was but a small child when Kikyo was taking care of Onigumo." Kaede placed her hand on Naraku's thigh. Naraku stared at her with an expression that twentieth century dwellers would call classic deer in the headlights. When her hand moved further up his thigh, Naraku came back to his senses and stood up.

"IIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!"

Naraku screamed and ran from the cottage, almost knocking down Kagome in his haste to get as far away as possible. Kagome and the others ran into the cottage to find Lady Kaede collapsed on the floor in a laughing fit.

"You should have seen his face." Kaede said when she was able to talk again. "It worked just as you said."

"Psychological warfare. If you can't beat him, mess with his mind. It helps if the subject is not too stable to begin with. We shouldn't be bothered by Naraku for a while."

As for Naraku? Well he returned home to his empty, dark castle and proceded to go on a week long Sake bender.

_Owari_


End file.
